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Posting from Courtney Love...

From:	IN%"GEN4240\!/HUSKY1.STMARYS.CA" 24-MAY-1994 15:10:20.89
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Subj:	suicide.html

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I don't know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do. If you guys
don't think... to sit in this room where he played guitar and sang, and
feel so honored to be near him, you're crazy... Anyway, he left a note,
it's more like a letter to the fucking editor. I don't know what happened.
I mean it was gonna happen, but it could've happened when he was 40.
He always said he was gonna outlive everybody and be a hundred and twenty.
I'm not gonna read you all the note 'cause it's none of the rest of your
fucking business. But some of it is to you. I don't really think it takes
away his dignity to read this considering that it's addressed to most
of you. He's such an asshole. I want you all to say 'asshole' really loud.
"This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from
the punk rock 101 courses over the years since my first introduction to
the shall we say, ethics involved with independence and embracement
of your community, it's proven to be very true. "I haven't felt the
excitment of listening to as well as creating music, along with really
writing something, for too many years now.

"I feel guilty beyond words about these things -- for example, when
we're backstage and the light go out and the roar of the crowd begins,
it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who
seemed to love and relish the love and adoration of the crowd."

Well, Kurt, so fucking what -- then don't be a rock star you asshole.

"Which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact that I
can't fool you, any one of you, it simply isn't fair to you or to me.
The worst crime I could think of would be to pull people off by
faking it, pretending as if I'm having 100% fun"

Well Kurt, the worst crime I can think of is for you to just continue
being a rock star when you fucking hate it, just fucking stop.

"Sometimes I feel as I should have a punch-in time-clock before
I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to
appreciate it, and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough.
I appreciate the fact that I and we have effected and entertained
a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only
appreciate things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive. I need to
be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had
as a child. On our last 3 tours I've had a much better appreciation
of all the people I know personally, and as fans of our music,
but I still can't get out the frustration to gather the empathy I
have for everybody. There's good in all of us and I simply love
people too much."

So why didn't you just fucking stay?

"So much that it makes me feel just too fucking sad. Sad little
sensative unappreciative Pieces --" Jesus man oh shut up.. bastard
Why didn't you just enjoy it? I don't know. Then he goes on to say
personal things to me that are none of your damn business; personal
things to Frances that are none of your damn business.

"I had a good marriage, and for that I'm grateful. But since the
age of seven, I've become hateful toward all humans in general
only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have


"Only because I love and feel for people too much I guess
Thank you all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach
for your letters and concern during the last years. I'm
pretty much of an erratic moody person and I don't have the
passion anymore. Peace, Love, Empathy, Kurt Cobain."

And there is some more personal things that is none of your
damn business. And just remember: this is all bullshit...
And I'm laying in our bed, and I'm really sorry. And I feel
the same way you do. I'm really sorry you guys. I don't know
what I could have done. I wish I'd been here. I wish I hadn't
listened to other people, but I did.

Every night I've been sleeping with his mother, and I wake
up in the morning and think it's him because his body's sort
of the same.

I have to go know.

-- Courtney Love