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from March 1994 SPIN magazine
- Subject: from March 1994 SPIN magazine
- From: "James R. Covey" <JRCOVEY\!/ac.dal.ca>
- Date: Tue, 15 Feb 1994 14:19:28 -0400
*had* to reprint this: NOT MY FAULT! by Michael O'Donoghue
"The pessimist sees the glass as half empty; the
optomist sees the glass as half full. I don't
even see the fucking glass."
I don't think of myself as just another writer. I
seem myself more as an Instrument of Destiny with a clear
moral imperative to set the world straight on a few things.
Don't misunderstand me. I'm not claiming that I'm right and
that everyone else is wrong. All I'm saying is when the
Angel of the Lord appeared to me and allowed me to read
*certain key passages* from *The Book of Life*, it gave me
an "overview" that others may not have. Call it "Wisdom" or
"Truth" or a "Mandate from God," I don't care. I prefer to
consider it "one man's opinion" and let it go at that. With
this in mind, I'd like to share with you my view on a range
of topics because I feel that you, the reader, have a right
to know where I stand on the Big Issues.
ABORTION -- I believe that life begins when the child can
shuffle and deal a deck of cards. That's where I draw the
line. Terminate the child before he or she can deal a deck
of cards and it's a lawful abortion; after and it's a murder.
GAYS IN THE MILITARY -- Call me just another flag-waver but I
think if a boy is old enough to suck dick, he's old enough to
fight for his country.
ISRAEL -- I hear the Israelis killed so many Palestinian
teenagers this year that Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of
Atonement, has been changed to the Jewish *month* of
THE ARABS -- Any race that eats with one hand and wipes with
the other is bound to become confused occasionally.
Incidentally, the Angel of the Lord promised to get
me one of those neat dogs that Son of Sam had -- one of those
dogs that can talk and tell you who should live and who
should die. Boy, I'd love one of those dogs. I'd name him
"Rags" or "Scamp." But I digreess. Let me return to
discussing the Big Issues -- not the icing on the cake, mind
you, *but the cake itself*.
LIFE -- Life is one big minefield and the only place that
isn't a minefield is the place they make the mines.
FREEDOM OF SPEECH -- I believe that the right to shout "Fire!"
in a crowded theater is the very cornerstone of the First
Amendment. Once they take that away, then they take away the
right to shout "Fuck!" in a crowded theater and, before you
know it, the only thing you can do in a crowded theater is
put on productions of *My Fair Lady*.
SEX EDUCATION IN THE SCHOOLS -- How is a fourth grader going
to make an informed decision on whether or not to get her
nipples pierced if she doesn't know the facts? How can a
young schoolboy be expected to select the right double-dildo
for his needs if somebody doesn't show him? Of course, I
fully support sex education, at an early age, that discusses
alternative lifestyles in a frank and candid manner and, to
this end, heartily recommend the book *Heather Has Two
Mommies, Three Daddies, and This Guy Who Could Be an Uncle
or Could Be an Aunt, Depending on How He Dresses*.
WAR -- I'm against the use of military force except as a
VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION -- I believe that there is nowhere
near enough violence on television. For example, there's
nothing wrong with *The Montel Williams Show* that Ed Gein
and a Troy-Bilt Chipper-Vac couldn't fix. Observe how a
single burst from a flamethrower add viewer interest to
this dreary commercial:
"Gee, I used to think that all denture gels were
the same. That's before I discovered new --
*FWOOSH*! "OH MY GOD I'M ON FIRE OH JESUS OH
HELP ME OH CHRIST AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Watch how a randow mortar shell peps up this lackluster
scene from *I'll Fly Away*:
"Are colored folks different from white folks, Lilly?"
"Of course not, John Morgan. Only the color of our
skin is different. But we share the same hopes, the
same dreams, that all people do. And one of those
dreams is of a day when Americans will judge a man
not by the color of his skin but by -- " *KA-BLAAAM*!
"OH MY GOD I'M ON FIRE OH JESUS HELP ME OH CHRIST
In fact, I don't think television will ever be perfected until
the view can press a button and cause whoever is on the screen's
head to explode.
I have to stop now. Scamp wants to go for a walk. "What's that,
boy?" He's trying to tell me something. "We should pay a visit
to...? Steve *who*?" Well, evidently Scamp wants me to go see
Steve Guttenberg and talk along my Heckler & Koch MP5 9-millimeter
semi-automatic with a 30-round clip and some piano wire. I have
no idea why but I'm sure he'll tell me when we get there.
James R. Covey <JRCOVEY\!/ac.dal.ca> What syllable are you seeking,
Department of English In the distances of sleep?
Dalhousie University Halifax, NS B3H 3H5 Speak it.